Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Father's Day expectations

I am really struggling with the side of me that envisions things going "a certain way" and then feels disappointed when things don't go that way. I find that I waste a lot of energy being upset over dumb crap. Can I get an Amen? And let me just warn you in advance, this post is going to be all over the place because I am processing many, many facets of my life this week.

For example, Father's Day.... I think I expected a living version of a Hallmark card to unfold within my family that day. I pictured us playing catch outside, flying kites, fishing, etc. Instead, Nick worked until 2pm and I went to church with the girls and picked up Taco Bell for lunch. (barf) When he got home from work, tired and exhausted, he said the only thing he wanted to do was lay on the couch and watch the U S Open. This is where I began to grit my teeth and stew. The Father's Day sermon was sooo good, soo moving and I was upset that he didn't get the chance to hear it because of work. Then I got worried that he may or may not have been convicted by the message the way I was. And then I questioned his priorities because he was at work instead of church with his family on FATHER'S DAY! So I started to stew; I think I said that already.

When I stew my jaws clench and my eyes smart. I imagine incredibly clever remarks that I am going to say to him that will make him feel the way I want him to feel. I get crafty, and sneaky, and snarky all in my head. Then I breathe and acknowledge my crazy, grab the keys and say, "I'm going to get gas in my car." I run through the list of "my people" that I call when I become a crazy person and decided who to call. Luckily she was free. She answered and listened to me cry-talk without interrupting. I am ever so grateful for that nonjudgmental, honest, listening friend who answered the phone and yelled at her kids so she could be there for me!

And we talked that girl talk. Not the normal, stereo-typical girl talk. The new girl talk - the talk that says that nobody has their shit together, nobody is what their FB profile suggests, forgive yourself, forgive him, offer him grace, breathe, it will all work out.

When I got home he was playing UNO with the girls, ready for our family peach picking, and then played Memory before bedtime.

Of course I made a comment or two that day. I sure as hell am not the perfect wife. I am understanding and(but) I do expect a lot out of him. Is that so bad? We talked about it, which is why I love him so much, and I was able to get all my stew off my chest in a nice way. He listened. He is a good man.

In church my friend looked at me, teary-eyed, and said, "Are you missing your dad today?" I honestly hadn't thought about my own father one bit. And that realization made me a little sad. But I never let a friend cry alone, so I just nodded my head and teared up along with her. I wasn't thinking about my lack of a father because I didn't feel that way growing up. I knew there was a void but I didn't dwell on it. I think my mom worked so hard to fill it and I just focused on her love. But the more I thought on it, I realized that that may be why I expect so much out of Nick. I want him to be the father I never had. Not for me in a creepy way, but for our girls. I want them to hold him in the highest regard. I want all boyfriends to be measured against Daddy. I want them to have special memories and date nights. I want them to know in their hearts that they are loved unconditionally by their father. That's it. All that.

And my friend was right -  it all worked out. It will.