I am not real sure what to say right now. I was angry. Then I was sad. Then I understood. Now I am trying to be patient. Huh, I know, right?
I was optimistic all morning. So optimistic that I drove my happy little butt to Starbucks for a birthday White Chocolate Mocha. It felt weird to be on the streets, in a car, with a destination. We waited all morning to see Dr. Scott, or Cowboy, as I like to call him. All of the nurses could feel my frustration as I sat tapping my slippers on the squares in the floor. They all gave me confidence, "She is ready. She looks good, sounds good. I bet she comes off today...unless Doc sees something I don't see."
I guess he saw it. That invisible little signal that let him know that she is not ready. "Not ready to fly solo," he told us.
I sat there fuming internally, "Who is he, that comes in so late, and doesn't tell us what we want to hear. Why not? I mean, is he even going to give us more explanation?"
He must've heard my thoughts because he popped around the corner and asked us to come look at the x-ray with him. He showed us and he did explain. He calmed, a little.
"She looks better than she did yesterday. Sounds 100 times better. But," and you knew there would be a but, "her oxygen level drops too much when we shut off the machine. She isn't filling up her lungs good enough yet. We have to move on her time, not our time. You can't rush healing."
As much as I know that, and even understand, it is still not what I wanted to hear today. I envisioned a birthday full of joyous celebration! But...I am still grateful. Like so many other times in my life...this isn't what I want, when I want it, but for her I will wait. I am learning patience. I am. This will make me a better mama.
My birthday wish: today and everyday LOVE big. LOVE completely. LOVE patiently.