It has been a very long day. Again.
Nick and my mom were both here last night and I was disillusioned in thinking that their presence would equate sleep for me. I had big plans of a dark, cold hotel room where I would sleep deeply with Nick by my side knowing Harper was being cared for by my mom. She wasn't having it. Fit throwing seems to be her only means of controlling anything right now in an environment that is out of control by all of us. It was like an F4 on the Fit Scale. My insides shattered but I held firm to the voice inside of me that said, "You need some rest. Go. She will be fine." Then she clung to me in a starfish grip, wailing, "Mama don't go. My heart will be broken if you go. I need you here with me."
It was a long night on the blow up mattress. When Nick got up to comfort her each time a nurse came in to check her vitals, I would sink down a few inches only to pop up again when he returned. I cried for over an hour because each time my eyes closed I would see Baylor's sweet eyes looking up at me. I was a pathetic, blubbering, snotty mess until I somehow exhausted myself into sleep.
This morning was our first attempt at oral antibiotics. We bribed, coached, and encouraged for over an hour before we ordered another iv bag. She just couldn't do it and my heart broke yet again after she apologized for throwing up the drug chased with Sprite. Enough.
Blah,blah,blah... it was a rough afternoon too but I just want to try to forget it.
Good news! Her inflammatory markers are down and she has been fever free for 24 hours. The plan was to send her home with oral antibiotics, but we will just deal with the pic line for a couple more weeks. Sniff, sniff...beach trip will have to be rescheduled. Oh well. We are going home tomorrow! Again. Home! HOME! Again I will get to reunite with my little one. Again I will be peppered with her kisses and get all gooey inside when she hugs her big sissy. Anticipation overflows onto the keyboard.
I could write so much more about what I can't wait to get back to, but I've got a sparkly manicure and Justin Beaver waiting on me...."You smile, I smile,"... again.