Sunday, May 22, 2011

Day 38

I awoke to the feel of an unfamiliar hand on my leg. "Her fever is 101.7, Mom." My ears worked before my eyelids even had a chance to creak open. I gave my textbook response, "OK, order some Motrin." Inside I'm saying something else. Inside explicit four letter words are firing in rapid succession. Inside I'm screaming, "When is this going to be over? When can we go home? Why is she still sick? When can she go to the bathroom without unplugging a pump and rolling a machine along with her? When can I leave her side for more than a few minutes without feeling insanely guilty?"

Can you tell how I feel today? I match the gloomy weather outside the window. Our room is dark with a steady drum of raindrops beating on the windows. I am not depressed. I am not weepy. I am over this. So is Harper. Today is the kind of day where we will argue off and on all day because we are both tired of being in a room looking at each other. We both want to flail our arms and stomp our feet and scream to the top of our lungs until the sound fizzles out and we are left breathless. Today is a punch the pillow and kick the laundry kind of day.

So, what does any good mom do to beat the rainy day blues? We are cuddled together on the blow up mattress with markers to our right and chocolate donuts to our left, watching "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse." I know this movie is "too grown up" for her. I know. But she has done a lot of growing up in a no-fun kind of way, and this is a little more fun than needles and scans. She giggles and hides her face in the flesh of my arm when they kiss. She covers her head with the blanket when they fight. So, all in all she is really only watching about ten minutes of the movie. For a little while we are both able to forget where we are and how long we've been here.

Later we will watch "Never Say Never" for the umpteenth time. Talking about Justin "Beaver" makes her face shift into a Cheshire grin. Her dimples appear and her eyes turn into half moons. I'm desperate. I'll do whatever it takes to make her happy at this point because if she is happy then I am happy, mostly.

I am struggling to compartmentalize my feelings the way men do. I actually wish I was better at this, but my emotions tend to bleed together until I am crying, laughing, complaining all at the same time. Most of me is here, with Harper. But the other part of me cries a little every night for my other baby, Baylor Kate. For 38 days I have been by Harper's side. That means I haven't been there for her. She has been shuffled from Ruston to Longview to Houston to Ruston with friends to a babysitter to Dallas. On the few nights that we were home together I rocked her a little longer, cuddled her a little tighter and cried a few tears watching her drift off to sleep in the big girl bed all alone before I returned to the nurses station in my own bedroom. I have to keep that part of me walled off from my day to day reality. I dwell in that room a little each night around bed-time when I miss her the most. Shut the door.


  1. Be assured that Childrens is a good place. Jennifers daughter Hannah was in the preemie NICU for 13 weeks before she came home. We have her today because of Childrens. We are praying!

  2. Greetings!

    I wanted to take a moment to write you this evening. My name is Christele and I live in Dallas. We have never met but I was sent your link and was asked to pray for sweet Harper. I am a mother of 2 children myself, a daughter 8 (Melae) and a son 4 (Jabin). I have read what you have gone through recently. I can tell you that my daughter and I have prayed for Harper each night since and during the day also. She is constantly on my mind and heart.

    I have not ever been through what you are going through now, however I can say that I have felt the overwhelming "when is this going to end" feeling many times in my life. Recently I went through a battle with my sons health that only God himself could give me his on time word to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know from experience that as a mom you would do anything for your children, and when it comes to them nothing else matters in the world other than seeing them healthy, well, and happy. I apologize in advance for my poor punctuation and what not, I am not the greatest writer.

    If I could I wanted to share with you a few things that have helped me during some of my longest, hardest, most trying days. All I wanted when my son was sick was to have hope. I have always heard that we as children of God are heirs of the kingdom and are therefore heirs to all of his promises but I did not know what my promises were in order to obtain them. I began to search in my Bible for what I could grasp to seek out the comfort of hope and began to "speak the word" over my situation in order to obtain my promise of healing for my son and for my mind.

    I can tell you that my initial mistake before seeing my light was getting caught up in that which I could not control, speaking the problem and not the desired outcome. I caught myself being stressed over everything and enjoying nothing. I can tell you now that for me to see that light at the end of the tunnel I had to begin speaking by faith. I called to those things that were not as though they were. I began to call out to the Lord and thank him for my sons healing. I told him "Lord your word says in Proverbs 14:26 he who fears the Lord has a SECURE FORTRESS, and for his CHILREN it will be a REFUGE.

    Psalms 55:22 Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee, he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.
    Psalms 37:23 The steps of a good many are ordered by the Lord, and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be cast down for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand. I have been young and now I am old; yet I hve not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. He is ever merciful, and lendeth and his seed is blessed.

    I had to learn that every word I spoke was a seed being cast out to land and grow. I learned that words are seeds. They can produce doubt, or they can produce more Faith. When I began to speak what God said over my situation instead of what my fear told me, I saw an immediate change not only in my son but in me also.

    (I have to post the second part in another comment...To many words for this section)

  3. I do pray that you are able to recieve what I am saying in Love and not in any other way. I can tell you that your writtings are beautiful and I can see that you are a God fearing mom of two amazing girls. I highly respect your boldness in facing your situation. You have been tried and have been in the fire and yet you praise the Lord in spite of it all.

    I only wish to tell you from mom to mom you are a treasure for sharing your heart as you have. You have encouraged me by your faith and words of sincerity.

    I know you are weary today, but I tell you the truth when I say that God knows where your at and he loves you, he loves Harper, he has great things for her.

    I encourage you to speak God's word over your daughters situation no matter what the doctors or anyone else has to say. Claim her healing in faith continually until you see it come to pass. By faith call to those things that are not right now as though they already are and watch the Hand of God move. Hebrews 11:1 Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it elders OBTAINED A GOOD REPORT.

    Hebrews 6:13 - For when God made PROMISE to Abraham, because he could swear by no greater, he sware by himself. Saying, surely blessing I will bless the, and multiplying I will multiply thee. And so, after he had PATIENTLY ENDURED, he OBTAINED THE PROMISE. (I love that part, for I felt as though I was right there with Abraham, patiently enduring)

    Then it goes on to say in verse 17:
    Wherin God, willing MORE ABUNDANTLY to show unto THE HEIRS OF PROMISE (thats us!) the immutiability of his cousel (he cannot lie) we might have a strong conselation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the HOPE SET BEFORE US.

    That made me so happy to hear that all of his promises were for me, that I had hope, that if his word says it, its for me and for my children.

    I know we do not know eachother and because of that I hope my words are received well, I just felt very burdened by the Lord to write you and share with you what helped me get through and see my son healed in Jesus name. There is hope, there is a great outcome in store for Harper, as you said, God has a marvelous plan for her life. You are an amazing mom. Be blessed today woman of God.

    With Great Respect,
    Christele Gregory

  4. God will give you the strength, send you the energy, and handle your emotions for you. Just lay it at His feet. Mandy, I am so proud of you. I know how tired you must be. I know how hopeless you feel. You can get through this. I KNOW YOU CAN! I am sending you a huge hug right now and LOTS of prayers. LOVE YOU!

  5. Mrs. Cauley I have been praying for Harper, you, and your family.Always remember that God is on your side and he hears all of our prayers.I love you and miss you very much!


I love to hear your thoughts too! Please leave a comment or contact me via e-mail.